I was running late. My wife Eleanor and I had agreed to meet at the restaurant at seven o'clock and it was already half past. I had a good excuse in the form of a client meeting that ran over and I wasted no time getting to the dinner as fast as possible.

遲到了。我跟老婆埃莉諾約好7點在飯店見面來著，現在已經7點半了。我的理由還算充分：因為跟某個客戶有約，所以只能先忙完再馬不停蹄趕來一起吃晚飯。

When I arrived at the restaurant, I apologized and told her I didn't mean to be late.

趕到飯店后，我急忙跟老婆道歉：我不是故意要遲到的。

She answered: "You never mean to be late." Uh oh, she was mad.

她回道：“你什么時候故意遲到過？”呃，看來老婆生氣了。

"Sorry," I retorted, "but it was unavoidable." I told her about the client meeting. Not only did my explanations not soothe her, they seemed to make things worse. That started to make me angry.

“對不起，”我說，“但事情真的推不開�！苯酉聛砭褪俏乙�跟客戶見面如何如何……可是，我越解釋越是火上澆油，最后連我自己也氣得不行。

That dinner didn't turn out to be our best.

自然，那頓晚飯也吃得不開心。

Several weeks later, when I was describing the situation to a friend of mine, Ken Hardy, a professor of family therapy, he smiled.

幾個星期后，我把這件事告訴了朋友肯-哈迪�？鲜羌彝ブ委煼矫娴膶＜�。聽完我的訴說，他笑了。

"You made a classic mistake," he told me.

“你可真是犯了一個典型的錯誤�！彼�說。

"Me? I made the mistake?" I was only half joking.

“啥？是我做錯了嗎？”我半開玩笑問道。

"Yes. And you just made it again," he said. "You're stuck in your perspective: You didn't mean to be late. But that's not the point. The point is that you were late. The point — and what's important in your communication — is how your lateness impacted Eleanor."

“當然是你錯了，剛才就是�！彼�說�！澳阋恢睆淖约旱牧�場強調‘我不是故意遲到的’，但這不是問題的關鍵，關鍵是你確實遲到了，而且你的遲到確實影響到了埃莉諾。”

In other words, I was focused on my intention while Eleanor was focused on the consequences. We were having two different conversations. In the end, we both felt unacknowledged, misunderstood, and angry.

這樣說來，我只一味強調我的本意，而埃莉諾看重的卻是結果。所以，我倆講的話根本就風馬牛不相及，最后自然都會因為分歧和誤解而生氣了。

The more I thought about what Ken said, the more I recognized that this battle — intention vs. consequences — was the root cause of so much interpersonal discord.

肯的話，我越想越覺得這種“本意VS結果”的爭論正是很多人際關系不和的根本原因。

As it turns out, it's not the thought that counts or even the action that counts. That's because the other person doesn't experience your thought or your action. They experience the consequences of your action.

事實表明，爭吵的根源不在于你怎么想或你做了什么，畢竟別人體會不到你的想法或行為，別人體會到的是你的行為所帶來的后果。

Here's another example: You send an email to a colleague telling him you think he could have spoken up more in a meeting.

舉例來說：你給同事發(fā)了封郵件，說你覺得他本可以在會議上多做點發(fā)言。

He replies to the email, "Maybe if you spoke less, I would have had an opportunity to say something!"

他回復郵件說：“或許，要是你能少說一點，我就有機會插上兩句了吧！”

That obviously rankles you. Still, you send off another email trying to clarify the first email: "I didn't mean to offend you, I was trying to help." And then maybe you add some dismay at the aggressiveness of his response.

這種話顯然激怒了你，但你又發(fā)了一封郵件進行解釋：“我不是要找你茬，只想提點意見罷了�！庇只蛟S，因為同事的回復太過分，你在郵件里也添油加醋了一番。

But that doesn't make things better. He quotes the language of your first email back to you. "Don't you see how it reads?" He asks. "BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" You write back, IN CAPS.

可這么一來，事情反倒更糟。他把你第一封郵件的原話拷貝給你，反問道：“那你這是寫的什么？”你特地用大寫字母回郵以示強調：“我不是那個意思！”

So how do you get out of this downward spiral?

如此惡性循環(huán)……怎么辦呢？

It's stunningly simple, actually. When you've done something that upsets someone — no matter who's right — always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. Save the discussion about your intentions for later. Much later. Maybe never. Because, in the end, your intentions don't matter much.

其實，辦法超級簡單。當你惹別人生氣了，甭管誰對誰錯，先主動開口為自己的言行向對方道歉。至于你本意如何，以后再說，或者永遠都別羅里吧嗦地解釋，因為最后你的本意并不那么重要。

What if you don't think the other person is right — or justified — in feeling the way they do? It doesn't matter. Because you're not striving for agreement. You're going for understanding.

要是你覺得完全是對方做錯了或有失偏頗呢？那也沒什么大不了的。又不是非得意見完全一致，只要能相互理解就行了。

What should I have said to Eleanor?

那我該怎么跟埃莉諾解釋？

"I see you're angry. You've been sitting here for 30 minutes and that's got to be frustrating. And it's not the first time. Also, I can see how it seems like I think being with a client gives me permission to be late. I'm sorry you had to sit here waiting for so long."

“生氣啦？等了半個鐘頭，很不開心吧？唉，我老讓你這樣等我，老是因為客戶而耽誤你，讓你等我這么長時間，真心對不起啊�！�

All of that is true. Your job is to acknowledge their reality — which is critical to maintaining the relationship. As Ken described it to me: "If someone's reality, as they see it, is negated, what motivation do they have to stay in the relationship?"

這么說也都句句屬實，還能保證倆人關系和好如初。就像肯告誡我的那樣：“如果人們覺得自己被忽視了，那還有什么理由相信這段關系呢？”

In the email back and forth I described earlier, instead of clarifying what you meant, consider writing something like: "I could see how my criticizing your performance — especially via email — feels obnoxious to you. How it sounds critical and maybe dismissive of your efforts in the meeting."

再看我前面提到的“郵件拉鋸戰(zhàn)”。與其不斷強調你的本意，不如試著這樣寫：“我在郵件上指正你的表現顯然讓你感到不爽了。這些話帶有批評意味，可能還抹煞了你在會議上的付出。”

I said this was simple but I didn't say it was easy.

我說這很簡單，但并不表示這做起來很容易。

The hardest part is our emotional resistance. We're so focused on our own challenges that it's often hard to acknowledge the challenges of others. Especially if we are their challenge and they are ours. Especially when they lash out at us in anger. Especially when we feel misunderstood. In that moment, when we empathize with them and their criticism of our behavior, it almost feels like we're betraying ourselves.

最難的就是我們會從情緒上產生抵觸。我們總是專注于自己的挑戰(zhàn)，常常忽略他人的困境——特別是當他人的困境就是由我們造成、我們又因此被激怒時，更難以承認。這時，如果我們認同對方的立場以及對方對我們的苛責，那就等于扇自己耳光了。

But we're not. We're just empathizing.

所以我們不會認同對方，而只會一味強調。

Here's a trick to make it easier. While they're getting angry at you, imagine, instead, that they're angry at someone else. Then react as you would in that situation. Probably you'd listen and let them know you see how angry they are.

下面這個方法可以讓事情變簡單一點。當對方向你發(fā)火時，試著想象他是在向其他人發(fā)火，然后你設身處地體會一下，或許你會傾聽并發(fā)現雙方真的很生氣啊。

And if you never get to explain your intentions? What I have found in practice — and this surprised me — is that once I've expressed my understanding of the consequences, my need to justify my intentions dissipates.

要是一直沒機會解釋你的本意呢？事實上，我意外地發(fā)現，一旦我理解了結果造成的麻煩，也就不再想去解釋我本意如何如何了。

That's because the reason I'm explaining my intentions in the first place is to repair the relationship. But I've already accomplished that by empathizing with their experience. At that point, we're both usually ready to move on.

原因在于，我一開始急于解釋本意不外是為了彌補倆人關系，但通過站在對方立場考慮，我不已經達到這個目的了嘛？如此一來，倆人也都盡釋前嫌了。

And if you do still feel the need? You'll still have the opportunity, once the other person feels seen, heard, and understood.

要是你還想作出解釋呢？那么，機會也還是有的——只要對方看上去已經明白并理解你的處境。

If we succeed in doing all this well, we'll often find that, along with our relationships, something else gets better: our behavior.

如果我們能做好這一點，不僅人際關系會變好，我們的言行也會漸漸改變呢。

After that last conversation with Eleanor — after really understanding the consequences of my lateness on her — somehow, someway, I've managed to be on time a lot more frequently.

自從上次跟埃莉諾爭執(zhí)后，我切身體會到了自己的遲到給她帶來的麻煩，正因如此，不知不覺間，我竟變得越來越準時了！